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Collection 2
Gill flounces off court after winning the Club's Ladies Singles for the first time.
Tracey: Well done! Well done! How does it feel, champ?
Gill: [sighs] Pretty emotional! I tell you I felt a lump in my throat when that ball went in.
Jez: You swallowed it?
Pauline and Jez are discussing spiritualism.
Pauline: You have to know yourself and know what it is that makes your soul soar. Maybe it's poetry or music or . . .
Jez: [interrupting] Oh, yes! With me, it's definitely tennis.
Pauline: Really? Well yes, sport can certainly elevate the soul.
Jez: It's a very short-lived kind of feeling, though.
Pauline: Oh, why's that?
Jez: It elevates for a split-second and then lands in the net.
It's the club's Annual General Meeting.
Gill: That brings us to the election of officers. We need a new Secretary. What about you, Neil?
Neil: [flustered] No, thank you very much. I couldn't possibly. I've got a wife and three kids. I just wouldn't have the time.
Gill: Steve?
Steve: [rattled] I'd like to help out, of course. But having a young family makes it impossible these days.
Gill: Mandy?
Mandy: [agitated] Ditto, I'm afraid. Too busy with the kids. [patting her stomach] And one more on the way.
Gill: Well, what about you, Jeremy?
Jez: [talking on his mobile phone] Hello? Is that the adoption service?
Jez and Mike are in the clubhouse after a league match
Gill: Why did you two give that poor man such a hard time?
Jez: Well, I think he was trying to quick-serve me and he kind of grinned when I missed a smash. Erm . . .
Mike: And another thing . . .
Gill: What?
Mike: He's from Northern Scotland. We didn't like his latitude.
Jez is in the clubhouse preparing for a singles challenge match
Mike: Jez, your opponent's on court waiting for you.
Jez: I know, but I think I've got a problem with my shoulder. He's big isn't he? He must be a foot taller than me.
Mike: Don't worry, Jez. He's probably a slow mover.
Jez: I don't think so. Look at that. His warmup jog is faster than my sprint. My shoulder's really sore. I think I'll have to pull out. Oh my God, look at his serve!
Stuart: There's nothing wrong with your shoulder. Come on, you can do it.
Jez: Okay. I'll do it. I'm going to get a real pummelling, but I can take it. I'll face up to those cannonballs and risk my reputation, my self-esteem, my health. I'll give him hell! He'll wish he'd never come near Upper Gummtrey. I'll do it for the club. I'll do it for you guys. I'll do it for every poor sap who ever took up cudgels against insurmountable odds in the name of sport. There's just one thing I want you guys to do for me.
Mike: What?
Jez: Talk me out of it.
During a changeover
Mike: Tracey said you were worried about your weight.
Jez: [pats his stomach] Yeh, it's all right now. I got some advice from a dietician. She said I should eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat that procedure for two weeks.
Mike: And it worked?
Jez: Yeh, but all the skipping was killing my calf muscles.
Tracey's dog is splashing in the puddles outside while the players watch from the clubhouse
Gill: He loves the water, doesn't he?
Tracey: Yeh, look at him. He thinks he's a duck!
Gill: Ha ha. Maybe you should take him to dog training classes.
Mike: No, don't do that. Why lose out on all those eggs?
The players are in the clubhouse, debating pro-life legislation
Neil: I reckon life begins when a child takes its first breath.
Tracey: No, it's earlier than that. You could argue that life begins at the moment of conception.
Jez: My grandad always said life begins when the dog dies and the kids leave home.
Jez and Stuart in conversation during a changeover
Stuart: You never told me how you got on at the dentist.
Jez: [rubs his jaw ruefully] Yeh, he's going to pull the tooth tomorrow. It'll cost me 80! Terrible, isn't it? 80 for a couple of minutes' work!
Stuart: Did you complain?
Jez: I certainly did!
Stuart: Did it do any good?
Jez: I'm not sure. He's offering to extract it as slowly as possible.
Tracey and Jez are hitting balls against the practice wall
Jez: Are Dan and Linda having problems?
Tracey: Well, Linda told me she found a note with the name "Rhonnda" on it in Dan's pocket. But it was all a misunderstanding apparently. Why do you ask?
Jez: Well, she just took a phone call for him in the clubhouse. Then she hit him with her racket and stormed out of the club. Are you sure it was just a misunderstanding?
Tracey: Yes. Apparently Rhonnda is the name of a horse he was betting on.
[They're interrupted by the sound of Linda yelling at Dan in the car park]
Linda: Yes, and I'll hit you again if you come anywhere near me! . . . Oh, and by the way, your horse just phoned!
Mike and Jez are talking in the clubhouse
Mike: We never got sex education at school. Did you?
Jez: We did. But I already knew all that stuff.
Mike: How come?
Jez: When I was six, I asked my dad where I came from. So he told me all about the birds and the bees and so on. The thing is, I didn't want to know all that.
Mike: You didn't?
Jez: I only wanted to know if I came from Poland!
Dan and Jez walking off court together
Jez: Haven't seen Linda for a while. How is she?
Dan: Fine. She's had to work quite long hours recently.
Jez: You know, I still remember how you two met.
Dan: You should do. You set it all up, remember? It was a blind date.
Jez: And you were worried she might be ugly and you'd be stuck with her all evening!
Dan: But you said not to worry because you had a plan.
Jez: Oh yes, I remember. You were to fake an asthma attack if you thought she was ugly. But she wasn't ugly, of course, and everything was okay.
Dan: Mmm, I remember she looked good. [a troubled expression suddenly crosses his face] . . . And, I remember her having an asthma attack.
During a changeover
Dan: You seem to be unlucky with jobs at the moment, Jez.
Jez: Mmm, I don't understand it. I'm the same as everyone else. I work eight hours and sleep eight hours.
Dan: Trouble is, they're not supposed to be the same eight hours!
Dan and Linda walk back to the clubhouse after a game of mixed doubles
Linda: Darling, if I die, would you re-marry?
Dan: Well, I think companionship is important. So, yeh, I think I would.
Linda: Would she live in our house?
Dan: Well, I don't want to move - on account of my job, you see. So yes.
Linda: Would she be your mixed doubles partner, like me?
Dan: Well, all the other ladies play in established pairs, so probably, yes.
Linda: Would she play right court, like me?
Dan: Oh no. She's left-handed.
Members watching the Men's 3rd Team in action
Gill: Why is Jeremy bouncing the ball so often before he serves?
Dan: I think he's been affected by his new job.
Gill: Why? What is it?
Dan: He's got a job in IT. And I think he needs a reboot!
Mike: Actually he lost that job.
Dan: Did he? Why?
Mike: [putting the kettle on] He wrote a program that was rolled out to all the senior directors and every time they pressed an inappropriate key, it came up with a message saying "Error: replace user"!
Gill: Ha ha. They should have promoted him. Sounds to me like he'd become another Bill Gates.
Mike: Yeh, well, it didn't go down too well. Mind you, he didn't get the sack for that. He got the sack for the usual reason - time travel!
Dan: Time travel?!
Mike: [pours the milk] Yeh, his work log said he finished every day at 5 o'clock, but he was home by quarter past four!
Jez takes a call on the clubhouse phone
Sidney: Guess what, Jez! I'm a dad!
Jez: Oh, congratulations!
Sidney: [talking excitedly] Can you tell everyone? It's a girl. Eight pounds. Caesarean section. Gotta dash!
Gill: Was that Sidney?
Jez: [replaces the handset] Yeh. They've got a girl.
Gill: Oh, bless! How's his wife? Was it a long labour?
Jez: No, I think they bought the baby . . . for eight quid . . . in some district of Rome.
During a changeover in a mixed doubles
Tracey: Did the kids enjoy themselves at the cinema?
Gill: Yes they did, thank you. Mike and I are going to see the film ourselves tonight.
Tracey: Are you? That's nice.
Gill: [frowning] Everything's so expensive now, though! I couldn't believe how much the kids paid for popcorn. I can remember when it was just 20p!
Jez: Well, prepare to be amazed tonight. They have sound now.
Members watching the rain from the clubhouse window
Jez: I think it's time for Noah to build the ark!
Gill: Don't be blasphemous, Jeremy!
Jez: What? Do you believe in all that Bible stuff?
Gill: Of course I do.
Jez: An old bloke who's about 600 years old piling all the animals in the world into a boat? And they all survive for nearly a year? How'd he do that then?
Gill: I don't know. I'll ask him when I get to heaven.
Jez: Oh right. What if he isn't there?
Gill: Well, if he's in the other place, you can ask him!
The juniors have been enjoying chocolate santas at the end of their coaching session
Tim: [watching young Nathan storm out of the gate] What's wrong with Nathan?
Jez: [wipes his mouth with his bandana] Oh, he got the sulks because there was a chocolate santa left over and I ate it. Bit of a spoilt brat really.
Tim: What about his chocolate santa?
Jez: Yeh, he didn't like me eating that either.
During a changeover in a mixed doubles
Tracey: I hear Dan and Linda have got divorced.
Gill: I'm not surprised. I think he only spoke to her twice throughout their entire marriage!
Jez: And Linda's got custody of both the kids.
At tea during an American Tournament
Gill: So, Jeremy, tell me about this diet you're on.
Jez: Have some more cake, Gill. Sandwich, Neil?
Gill: Come on, what about your diet? Is it working?
Jez: It's not exactly a diet. Have another biscuit.
Gill: You've given me six biscuits! Okay, if it's not exactly a diet, how exactly are you going to lose weight?
Jez: [re-stocking everyone's plates] I'm not, but if I fatten up everyone else around me, I'll look thinner!
The juniors are enjoying a trip to the zoo organised by the committee
Nathan: [stares at a camel] Why's it a got a big hump on its back?
Tracey: [hands the boy an information sheet] It's to store large quantities of food and water so it can survive for long periods in the desert.
Nathan: Why's it got such big feet?
Tracey: That's to prevent it sinking in the sand.
Nathan: Okay, why's it got such big eyelashes?
Tracey: That's to shield it from desert storms. Don't you think it's wonderful how creatures like this evolve and adapt to their environment to ensure their survival?
Nathan: No. I don't see the point at all. What use are a hump and big feet and long eyelashes if you live in a zoo?
Gill, Tracey and Jez arrive together at the club
Tracey: How old is Liam now?
Gill: Nearly five. Starts school next term.
Tracey: Spooky. Is he looking forward to it?
Gill: [glowing with pride] Oh yes. He's really bright you know. Mike says he gets his brains from me.
Jez: That must be right. Mike's still got all his!
It's time for tea after a men's league match
Stuart: Oh no! There's no milk. What are we going to do?
Neil: Somebody will have to go down to the shop and get some.
Stuart: Must be your turn, Jez!
Jez: [looks suspiciously at the faces around the table] What? Well, how do I know you won't eat all the chocolate muesli bars while I'm gone?
Neil: Go on. We promise we won't eat them all.
[20 minutes later]
Neil: Where on earth is he? The shop's only down the road!
Dan: Anyone want the last chocolate muesli bar?
Neil: Better not. We said we'd save it for him.
[20 minutes later]
Neil: This is ridiculous. We finished tea half an hour ago and nobody's had a drink
Dan: [about to take a bite out of the last chocolate muesli bar] He isn't going to show up now. I might as well eat this.
Jez: [jumps out from behind a cabinet] Right! Just for that, I'm not going!
Jez is playing some practice points with Tim, the club coach
Jez: Come on, Tim! How many more bounces before you serve the thing?
Tim: [resumes his laborious ritual] Sorry, but a couple of my juniors are watching. I'm trying to make this a perfect shot.
Jez: Forget it, Tim. There's no way you'll hit them from here.
The men's team meet in the car park early one Sunday morning for an away match
Jez: [mobile phone in hand] I can't get hold of Tim. He promised to be here with a new grip for my racket.
Mike: I've got a spare grip you can have.
Jez: But I use special calf-hide leather.
Mike: Oh right. Well, Tim's probably still asleep.
Jez: I've phoned five times! He must be a heavy sleeper.
Mike: Twenty stone, at least!
Jez: That's a good joke. You must be proud of it.
Mike: I am. It belonged to my father.
Jez: Okay. I'll let you off if it's hereditary.
Mike: Didn't your father hand down any jokes to you?
Jez: No, they fell through the generation gap.
Neil: Shut up you two. I can't cope with all that. It's too early in the morning. Ah! Here's Tim! Hi, Tim. Where's his calf-hide?
Tim: He hides behind that tree! Ha ha ha ha!
Neil: That's it! I'm going back to bed.
During a changeover
Opponent: Of course, I don't think Tim Henman will ever be as good as Fred Perry.
Jez: I met Fred Perry once.
Opponent: Really, young man? Are you sure?
Jez: Oh yes. I shook hands with him. Here's my right hand to prove it. Anyway, he had his name on his shirt. It was a couple of years ago in a pub.
Opponent: But he died in 1995!
Jez: Are you sure? How do you know?
Opponent: I just read his biography.
Jez: Really? What's it about?
In the new clubhouse bar
Neil: I'm not sure having a bar is such a great idea now.
Jez: Why do you say that?
Neil: We can never get you on court any more!
Jez: I'm practising in here.
Neil: In here? Practising what?
Jez: The spin.
Neil: What, topspin? Slice?
Jez: [spins his racket with one hand, a pint of beer in the other] Rough or smooth?
Jez is helping the club coach with the juniors
Tim: Right. Before you go and play, let's check if you're familiar with the tennis scoring system. Okay, let's say I'm playing against Jez. The score is deuce. Then I serve an ace. What's the score now?
Nathan: If it was a first serve, it's still deuce. If it was a second serve, it's advantage to Jez.
Tim: No, no. I see you're not familiar with tennis scoring.
Nathan: I see you're not familiar with Jez's calling!
Jez is playing a tournament singles match
Opponent: My ad.
Jez: What?
Opponent: My advantage. That ball was out.
Jez: I didn't hear you call.
Opponent: I didn't call. It was miles out. I didn't think it was worth calling.
Jez: That's all right. I didn't think it was worth hearing. Put it in writing! No, don't do that, I'm short-sighted. Use hand-signals! No, don't do that. There's an airfield over there. You'll confuse the pilots. Call me on my mobile! No, don't do that. It plays a really irritating tune.
Opponent: All right, all right. I get the message. I'll call next time!
Jez: I might not think it's worth listening. I'll give you my card. You can send me an email . . .
Opponent: You're mad!
Jez: My ad? That's better. Agreed. My ad.
Opponent: [muttering to himself] Better let it go. This guy might be dangerous.
There's a crash in the clubhouse. Players rush in to find Jez in a heap on the floor, covered in plaster. There's a hole in the ceiling.
Neil: Jez! What happened?
Jez: [points at the wall, groaning] Uhhhhh!
Dan: What's he pointing at?
Neil: I think he's pointing to Gill's notice.
In the clubhouse
Jez: I hear you've got tickets for Wimbledon.
Gill: Yes. It's great. I haven't been for years.
Jez: When was the last time?
Gill: I can't remember the year, but I saw Ilie Nastase and Stan Smith.
Jez: Crikey! That's ages ago. They sometimes show it on TV. During rain breaks.
Gill: I expect the place has changed a bit since then.
Jez: Oh, you won't recognise it at all.
Gill: Why not?
Jez: The world was still black and white back then!
Jez and Stuart warming up
Stuart: What's up, Jez? You look half asleep.
Jez: Yeh, I'm having trouble getting to sleep at night.
Stuart: Have you tried counting sheep?
Jez: I think that's the problem.
Stuart: Why?
Jez: I make a mistake and it takes me hours to find it.
A midweek club session
Jez: I feel terrible. I still haven't recovered from Saturday's match. I think I got dehydrated playing in that heat.
Tim: Did you eat, drink or take anything to replace electrolytes in your system?
Gill: That's a good point. My dietician says you need vitamins to help repair the body's tissues. And protein. And you need carbohydrates as they're a major source of energy. Oh, and iron to keep your blood healthy. These things are important components of a well-balanced diet.
Jez: Is food no longer an important component of a well-balanced diet?
Jez bounces a racket over the back fence during a match. Mike and Gill are watching from the clubhouse.
Gill: Just look at that! He's a complete idiot!
Mike: No, he's not.
Gill: He's not?
Mike: Some parts are missing!
The men's team arrive at the clubhouse for a practice
Dan: [reading his newspaper] It says here that, statistically, crime has doubled over the last ten years. Oh, what have you got there, Jez?
Jez: It's a dead frog.
Dan: That's a shame. I wonder how it got into the clubhouse. Anyway, as I was saying . . . I'm not convinced there's really that much more crime around. People probably just report it more now than they used to.
Stuart: I agree. It may not be the level of crime itself, but the perception and fear of crime that's increasing. Well, anyway, let's get out there and play some tennis.
Jez: Just a minute! Nobody leaves! This frog has been strangled!
Jez arrives late for a committee meeting
Gill: [peers over her glasses] Where on earth have you been, Jeremy? I told everyone to be here at six o'clock prompt.
Jez: It's not my fault. I was shopping at Lewis's and there was a power cut. I got trapped in the lift.
Gill: There aren't any lifts in Lewis's.
Jez: Oh yes. Sorry. I got trapped on the escalator.

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